Okay, I am going to venture outside of the box for a moment. Please extend a little grace before you brand me a heretic. I am going to make a declarative statement that being nice is not always the best virtue to shoot for. Nice in our society has become a tool the world holds against us for not bowing to their image. To them, being nice equates to never upsetting any of them at any time, never rocking their boat, and being agreeable and accepting of anything they deem as politically correct. It also means being timid, quiet, inoffensive, and constantly apologizing for who we are and what we believe. Oops, I think I’m going to be on the naughty list this year. Do you suppose that’s why I didn’t get that shiny new Corvette for Christmas? Did I miss the nice list again?
It goes without saying that there is a minimum level of “niceness” we all should strive for just like we were taught as children. But does that mean that as a Christian I am always to be passive and non-confrontational? The sign on the front of a local school said “Be nice, not nasty.” I guess that was a message to bullies, but are those my only two choices? I know nasty is considered an antonym of nice, but something about that doesn’t seem quite right. As a man, one of the challenges of living the Christian life is avoiding the extremes of being sinfully aggressive or sinfully passive. I don’t want to make the same mistake the Corinthian church made, in going along with sin just to avoid conflict.
There are two verses of Scripture that are often misread in an effort to support the idea that Christians should never assert themselves or say anything that someone could construe as not being nice:
“But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.”
Matthew 5:39-40
On the surface these verses seem to teach we should be the best doormats in town. However, the lesson here was never meant to imply that Christians were to be “nice” and always let others take advantage of them. How do we know this?
1) Because we are told to be like Christ, and Jesus did not live that way. He repeatedly challenged evil people, and called them what they were: vipers, hypocrites, and white-washed sepulchers (Matthew 23:27). Was He being nice or nasty? Perhaps He was just being honest.
2) When slapped, although He allowed the beating for the benefit of mankind, our Lord still verbally challenged the person slapping Him (John 18:19-23).
3) We are told in other passages to resist evil and expose it (Ephesians 5:11). Resistance is not usually associated with being passive.
4) Jesus’ teaching in Matthew was to show how the Jewish leaders had perverted the teaching of an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth (5:38). They had pulled that verse away from its intended purpose as a limit on punishment and were using it to take vengeance.
Another example sometimes misapplied is that Jesus was silent before His accusers. There were certainly periods of silence during His ministry, however He was not entirely silent during His arrest and crucifixion. He challenged Judas for his hypocrisy of betraying Him with a kiss (Luke 22:48). He challenged the soldiers sent to arrest Him because of their cowardice in seeking to arrest Him at night and away from the public eye (Matthew 27:55). He plainly stated that He was the Son of God (Luke 22:69). He rebuked them for being unwilling to answer His questions or believe what He said (Luke 22:67-68). He warned that they would have to face Him as Judge (Luke 22:69). He also accused His accusers of being cowardly in their proceedings against Him (John 18:20-21). Jesus, at times, defended Himself, and so should His followers.
Another look at Jesus reveals someone who was anything but passive when it came to exposing error. He used physical force on at least two occasions to get His point across. The picture of Jesus with a whip and using it to chase people out of the temple and turning over their tables in the process is not the effeminate, meek, and mild Jesus so many try to depict. Maybe it’s time for every one of us to bear this kind of passion in our hearts for the holy things that belong to God.
He also used very strong language. No, He did not curse and swear, but He called people fools (Luke 12:20),hypocrites (Matthew 23:25), the children of vipers (Matthew 23:33), and blind guides (Matthew 23:24). He rebuked Peter sternly by calling Peter “Satan” (Matthew 16:23). He also told people, in no uncertain terms, that they were going to hell (Matthew 23:15; 33). None of these things were said in uncontrolled anger but rather were said for the benefit of the hearer.
Jesus did not win the favor of those in power around Him, but instead chose to be extremely “politically incorrect”when He took on the Jewish establishment of His day and exposed it as a complete sham. He challenged the people who followed Him and at times rebuked their shallow motives (John 6:26). Jesus also did not depict Himself as being unendingly patient or long-suffering. He once said,
“Oh faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I suffer you?”
Matthew 17:17
There are many passages that describe Christians as being bold or exhorting us to be bold (Acts 4:29, 31; II Corinthians 3:12; Ephesians 6:19; Philippians 1:20; I Thessalonians 2:2). In fact, the Old Testament sums up the life of the righteous as being “as bold as a lion” (Proverbs 28:1).
Isn’t It Better To Lead A Quiet Life Behind The Scenes?
“If we would just learn to keep our Christian convictions to ourselves we could lead a more peaceful life.” We may think that, but it is not always true. If we had been passive we would all be learning the German goosestep, speaking Japanese, or living under communism. Furthermore, the Protestant Reformation would have never taken place had Luther been a quiet pacifist. Jesus clearly warned us that for a Christian there is no such thing as a peaceful life. If we truly live the Christian life, we will be persecuted and there will be opposition (John 16:33; Acts 14:22; II Timothy 3:12). Actually, often being passive only serves to invite more trouble and evil into our circle. If Christian men are not assertive for the truth, the playground bullies, those who lead others astray, will fill that void (Acts 20:31; Titus 1:9-11).
The modern idea is that if we just stay in the background, don’t say much, refuse to take risks, and don’t speak out on matters of truth, then we will be a better Christian. Isn’t that exactly like the thinking and excuses made by the one talent man (Matthew 25:25) who was rebuked by our Saviour? Furthermore, which hero of faith in Hebrews chapter 11 lived a quiet risk free life? Not even a non-Christian who makes an important achievement lives this way. It seems to me that this type of soft and easy living only leads to mediocrity.
Being passive also does not guarantee you will never display excessive aggressiveness. People who are passive often become “passive-aggressive” because eventually one gets tired of being a pushover and taken advantage of. Isn’t that what’s been behind some of the school violence? A kid who was picked on suddenly gets fed up. So being passive can eventually turn one into becoming violent. The way to avoid this is to be compassionately assertive for truth, for another’s good, and for God’s glory just as Jesus was.
Yes, we are told to serve our fellowman; however, first and foremost we serve Jesus Christ. Serving Jesus will sometimes mean telling people they are wrong so we can better serve the Kingdom. Sometimes you just have to wipe the dust off your shoes and move on. So it’s okay to be nice, but it is better to be good. Put a higher priority on pleasing God rather than pleasing others. It is okay to have an opinion—if it is something worth expressing an opinion over. If people have taken advantage of your idol of niceness in the past, rather than getting angry at them, get angry at yourself for allowing it to happen. Put up some biblical boundaries, and humbly hold people accountable just as Jesus did.
I know unsolicited advice is seldom appreciated, and no one likes a know-it-all. Questioning the actions of another must be seasoned with extreme insight and wisdom. Even Jesus didn’t always confront people with their error. He was always aiming for the higher goal, the greater good, and the bigger victory. But remember, you are under no obligation to follow the world’s rules in discussing the truth. You can answer a question with a question (Matthew 21:24). And you do not have to play by “the rules” invented by sinners.
Of course I want to be liked. I don’t want folks to think I am some kind of jerk. I also don’t mind being called nice if it is a result of following Christ. However, I also realize that when someone says I am “not nice” it is possible that such a statement says more about them than it does me. There is often a big difference between being nice to someone and actually caring for them. Apparently, the world’s definition of “being a nice person” would usually exclude any Christian doing the will of God. Therefore, like John the Baptist and countless others, I think I will strive for something better. The Bible says that Jesus went about “doing good.” It does not say He went about being nice. I will strive for both, but if a choice has to be made, well … I guess you’ll find me on the naughty list, again.
Dr. Worthington has been in the ministry over forty years and serves as President of Pathway Ministries.