“I have to put my children and family first.” Oh, how many times have I heard that statement? Sometimes such a pronouncement can be a sign of good judgment and properly placed priorities. When one of our children is hurt or having some other type of real crisis, it is right to put them in first place. People say that it is wrong to have “favorites”among your children. I have always said that among our five children Sherry and I had a favorite child on many occasions. It was always the one needing us most at that particular time. That is what loving parents do.
We can certainly apply the Scriptures to justify putting our family in a priority position.
“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.” I Timothy 5:8
We can easily note other Scriptures that teach us to lovingly care for our families as a God given responsibility. However, we are never to place our families above our responsibility in the Kingdom.
We Have A Command To Obey.
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness…” Matthew 6:33
“Behold, I have come to do Your will, O God.” Hebrews 10:9
Now, while it is true that anything good for the Kingdom, will by default, be good for your family, we seldom look at it in that light. Sadly, more often than not, the statement of putting your family or children first is used as a justification to do something shortsighted or foolish.
Consider for a moment how many missionaries would be on the mission-field if they always put the interest of their children first. I think of Adoniram and Ann Judson and the difficulties they faced in Burma. Inadequate food, agonizing heat, and widespread diseases made life almost impossible. They worked hard to learn the Burmese language and then translate the entire Bible so the people could understand it. It took six years to have their first convert. Two of their babies died as a result of the harsh conditions. Both Ann and Adoniram were imprisoned during the war with Britain. Did Judson do what was in the short-term best interest of his family by going to Burma? No, he did not. He did what was best for the Kingdom.
When Judson died in 1850, there were 7,000 baptized believers, 63 Christian congregations, and 163 missionaries in Burma. To this day, over 150 years later, his Burmese Bible translation is still in use. Oh, how great was the eternal reward for his family, including his children who gave their lives that others might live.
How many Pastors would still be serving in their churches if they decided to put the needs of their children first? I do not deny that many pastors have lost their families because they neglected them unnecessarily, but I’ve also seen many pastors lose their ministry because they put their families ahead of their calling and made their families an idol.
Charles Weigle was an evangelist and song writer. His wife had often voiced her displeasure at being married to a preacher and even threatened to leave him if he did not give up his ministry. He refused to stop doing what God had called him to do. One day after preaching at a gospel crusade, he came home to find a note from his wife. The note said that she refused to be married to an evangelist and she was leaving him. Weigle said that he became so despondent that he even wondered if anyone really cared for him. During this time, he wrote that famous hymn “No One Ever Cared For Me Like Jesus.” Did Charles Weigle do what was in the short term best interest of his family? No, he did not. He put the Kingdom first.
Isn’t that the reason a lot of Christians don’t tithe? The mis-directed thinking is that God would want me to put my family first. For the modern family fun at Disney World will always trump the church.
Churches themselves have fallen victim of this “family first”attitude by canceling evening services so their members can enjoy a family night. On the surface that sounds like a good idea. I am sure church leaders imagined that instead of meeting together for worship that it would be great if families could have their own worship service at home. Maybe Mom could lead in a few songs, Dad could bring a short devotional message tailor made to address the needs of his family, and then the whole family could enjoy a time of prayer. Sounds like a good idea. Trouble is, it usually doesn’t work that way. Dad watches the ball game, Mom is in the kitchen, and the kids are in their rooms using social media. Often, putting family first only served to put God somewhere way down the list behind a lot of trivia.
Lest you misunderstand, no church or Christian ministry should ever say that it is “more important than your family.”That would be wrong. But, there are things which God has called us to do; our ministry, the spiritual gifts we have been given, responsibilities God has entrusted us with, and the people and service to which we are called. These things aremore important than our family. Remember, the family of God is not here primarily to serve the interests of our family. Rather, our families are here to serve the family of God.
After pastoring for over forty years, I can tell you there have been many times when I felt my family might be better off if I just preached to them at home. I am sure many servants have felt the same way. Yet, missionaries still surrender to go, and pastors still fill their pulpits. Why? The reason is they are willing to put the Kingdom first. They realized that the Family of God, not marriage, is the primary community in which eternal spiritual growth most often occurs.
Many do not know that Pathway Christian Academy was born on the sidewalk in front of a public school. Sherry and I spent a day visiting the schools our children would be attending. After our visit, we stood outside on the sidewalk, joined hands and said, “By God’s grace we will not send our children to this place.” This is not a criticism of others who may choose differently, but we knew the environment would not be compatible with the things we would be teaching them at home.
But, what choice did we have? We could not afford to send five children to a Christian school. So, we entertained the idea of homeschooling. That would make sense! But God had other plans. As we began to seek His will over our decision, God brought other parents into our pathway who shared our concerns. For many of these parents homeschooling was not an option. Of course, that was not our problem, at least until God told us it wasour problem. He reminded us that we might be able to educate our children at home, but what about the people who did not have that option?Perhaps they were single parents and had to work, or perhaps they did not have sufficient education to home school their high schoolers? What were they to do? God made them our responsibility, and Pathway Christian Academy was born.
Although attending a Christian school was a blessing for our children, there were times when we knew some problems could have been addressed better in a homeschool environment. So was starting Pathway Christian Academy our way of putting our children first? No, it was our way of putting the Kingdom first, and yes there were times that it did not work out for the short-term benefit of our family. Even so, we still had a command to obey.
There was a time after the Academy was up and running that Sherry and I discussed the possibility of having another child. After all, five is an odd number. However, we decided it would not be in the best interest of the ministry nor would it likely be in the best interest of our other children. This decision did not lessen the desire. Even at sixty-eight years old I still think about what we may have missed, but putting our desires first could not be an option. The net result in putting the Kingdom first was that God placed hundreds of children under our influence at the Academy. That brings me to my second point:
We Also Have A Promise To Receive.
“…and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33
So I freely admit that there were times when not putting my family first caused them some hardships and difficulties. And yes, there were times when it made me feel like a bad parent. Furthermore, there were times when they may have been better off if Sherry and I did not surrender to full time Christian service. But those moments were short-lived, and the end result was better than we could have ever imagined. As we have seen in the lives of so many of God’s servants, He will truly work it all out for good if you will give Him opportunity.
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“… the recompense of a man’s hands shall be rendered unto him.” Proverbs 12:14
“But to do good and to communicate forget not: for with such sacrifices God is well pleased.” Hebrews 13:16
Don’t you see how simple it really is? By putting the Kingdom first, you areputting your family first. By putting God’s will in the priority position, you areputting your children first. Yes, they may temporarily suffer the consequences of your decision, but in time God will grant your whole family the blessings that will supernaturally flow from your sacrifice. Isn’t that the way God works? Is He really going to punish you for putting the Kingdom first? Is He really going to be in your debt?
Sometimes we forget that in the New Testament marriage is viewed as “a concession”to our physical desires. Singleness is commended as the superior way to be available to serve the Lord. Paul even says,“It is good for a man not to touch a woman,”because a single person, male or female, is free to better serve the Lord. Although the Scriptures are not against marriage, Paul’s priorities still look quite different from the priorities we see taught in most of our churches today.
“But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you. But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;”
I Corinthians 7:28-29
“But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.” I Corinthians 7:32-33
Furthermore, our Lord even puts other family relationships behind our responsibility to the Kingdom. Jesus said, “He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.” Matthew 10:37
He taught the closest relationships in life are not our physical family, but our spiritual family. Remember the occasion while He was speaking to the people, His mother and his brothers stood outside asking to speak to Him? But He replied to the man who told him, “Who is my mother, and who are my brethren?”And stretching out His hand toward His disciples, He said, “Behold my mother and my brethren! For whoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven is my brother and sister and mother.” Matthew 12:46-50
Jesus is not setting aside all human relationships, rather He is defining them. The Scriptural order of priorities is first our Lord and His Kingdom, and then comes our spouse, children, parents, extended family, brothers and sisters in Christ, and then the rest of the world. While sometimes crisis decisions must be made to focus on one person over another, the goal is not to be neglecting or wrongly prioritizing any of our relationships. The biblical balance is allowing God to empower us to meet all of our responsibilities, inside and outside our families, while maintaining a ministry focus.
If you are married, your spouse requires and deserves your attention. Our children also need our attention and they will often demand it. It is also natural for parents to desire to smooth out every wrinkle that comes into a child’s life. We cave in to their wishes for all sorts of well-intentioned reasons. We feel guilty when something comes up which may seem to ruin their idealistic childhood, even if it’s God Himself. It’s a sickness of our modern culture; we despise observing spoiled children, but we raise them that way nevertheless.
Yes, if your child has a severe medical problem or other crisis, drop everything possible and run to their aid. But, most of the things we consider to be a crisis worthy of propelling our child into first place is not a crisis at all. And even if it is a real crisis, we allow it to continue with that status far too long. The real crisis comes when we fail to put the Kingdom first. The missed blessing may be a liability which could follow your family for generations to come. More than anything, your children need to see you loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.
God’s intention is neither that in loving Him are we to ignore our families, nor that in loving our families we are to ignore Him. Instead, we are to love our families as a result of loving God, and as one means by which we love Him. Just like most all parents we made sacrifices for our children, but there was always a line in the sand. That line represented the call of God upon our lives. That line could not be crossed. The challenge was making sure that God maintained the center of our lives, and that we allowed God to touch all of our priorities, including our family. We had to make sure that our children held a privileged position within our circle of ministry rather than having a circle of their own.
So, putting your family first or putting your children first sounds like a Godly goal and a Scriptural concept. Truth is, it usually isn’t. It will work no better for you and I than it would have worked for Abraham had he refused to offer Isaac. The better rule to follow is the one we’ve all heard, but often ignored:
“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33
Dr. Worthington has been in the ministry over forty years and serves as President of Pathway Ministries.