As you enter the new year, do you ever feel like your life may be haunted by memories of the past? Does it ever feel like something unresolved is wandering the hallways of your heart and mind that just won’t go away? Is there something that you know is out of place in your Christian life? Maybe it’s a secret, known only to you; and perhaps that’s best. It needs to go away, and you know it, but it won’t; and perhaps it has been there for years. Let me give you some examples of what I’m talking about.
Have you ever had the same dream over and over? Have you ever had the same images appear in your dreams? What do you think it means, and why do you think it won’t go away?
Do you ever replay in your head particular events or experiences wishing you could go back and redo or undo what happened, or what you said or did? It’s as if our past has been raised, is alive, and ever present.
Do you sometimes feel like guilt, regret, or disappointment are always lurking close by, tracking and following you? No matter what you do or how long it’s been you just can’t get past the feeling. Is there someone from your past that keeps intruding upon your thoughts. It may be good thoughts, but most likely they are sinful thoughts that you wish would just go away. But they won’t go away. Even when you’re not consciously thinking about them, they just show up, uninvited and unwanted.
What fantasies or memories would you like to erase or delete? You want to forget them, you have tried to forget them, but they’re always there. They won’t let themselves be deleted. What memories are still haunting you? I think we all have those kinds of thoughts, feelings, fantasies, memories, and experiences from time to time. They keep showing up, asking to be acknowledged, and wanting to be dealt with. No matter how many times we let go of them, they won’t let go of us.
I wonder if that’s what’s going on as Herod hears about Jesus. The Scripture tells us that he said, “It is John, whom I beheaded: he is risen from the dead.” That’s how Mark puts it, so although that is what he actually said, what he was thinking was perhaps more like this: “Oh, that’s just great! He’s back. I thought I was done with that pesky locust eater. Why won’t he just leave me alone? I can’t believe he is still alive”
Our Lord’s deeds of power: calming the stormy sea, casting out demons, healing the sick, and raising Jairus’ daughter, have confronted Herod with his own abuse of power in the beheading of John the Baptist. He killed the truth teller, but the truth John told just won’t die. It won’t leave Herod alone. Herod is a haunted man. He’s also a confused and conflicted man.
The confusion and conflict are not between Herod and John; they’re within Herod himself. Something unresolved has come to visit Herod. On the one hand, Herod knew John was a just and holy man, and he even sought to protect him for a while. On the other hand, “Herod feared John” and the truth he preached. On the one hand, Herod “heard [John] gladly.” On the other hand, he was greatly troubled by what he heard.
I know what that kind of conflict and confusion is like. We all have haunting memories. We all have unresolved parts of ourselves that come back to visit us. We have all lived shameful lives on occasion. And just like Herod, we are often haunted by what we think we have put to death; by what we think we have beheaded.
I’m talking about beheading in the sense that we deny, ignore, reject, and turn away from parts of ourselves and our lives. I’m talking about the ways in which we cut off parts of ourselves and aspects of our lives instead of dealing with them. There are times we simply reject what we know to be true. These are the parts of ourselves that we keep private and hidden, not only from others but mostly from ourselves. It might be something we’ve done or said. It might be a relationship or past experience. It might be a personality trait, behavior, or attitude. It might be thoughts, feelings, or fantasies. Sometimes they are things we thought were dead, until they suddenly rise up to condemn us.
We often call those cut off parts of our lives our shadow side. It’s the dark side of who we are. Our shadowy side isn’t necessarily bad, it’s a part of who we are, but it still must be mastered. But here’s the thing. We can never get away from our shadow. It haunts us. It won’t let us go. “It is John, whom I beheaded: he is risen from the dead.” Mark 6:16
It’s like trying to run away from your shadow on a sunny day? It simply cannot be done. Those shadowed parts of our lives continue to visit us, and when they do, we usually fight even harder to push them aside. We think the things that haunt us are our enemy, but actually they might help us. What if the things that haunt us are not out to get us but out to empower us? What if it serves a purpose? What if our memories are telling us that something needs to be dealt with? What if each haunting is asking us to stop, pay attention, and deal with what is really going on? What if each episode presents an opportunity for healing, forgiveness, more wholeness, and being made new? What if these memories are a work of the Holy Spirit? What if Jesus is some how hidden in each and every one of them? After all, when the disciples saw Jesus walking on the sea, they thought He was a ghost and they were terrified (Mark 6:49). I wonder what it would be like for you and me to hold what haunts us as a beckoning hand to a brighter future.
If you continue to hide, you’ll always have a sense of not being transparent and honest with yourself. As a Christian, you will remain in conflict with yourself. Your job is to gently unwrap those memories and tell yourself the story. It’s hard to break the silence, even if you are the only one listening.
You’re probably suppressing your story because of hurt, shame, or fear. Speaking the truth makes it real. You may have to face and admit some things about yourself you would rather not admit. You may have to deal with some difficult and painful stuff. You might uncover some new uncomfortable truths.
But, you are not alone. We all have secrets. But, the way you perceive your deepest secrets has direct impact on every part of your life. If your deepest secrets are dark and foreboding, and cause you shame to the point that you would never want to share them with anybody, you can be sure that allowing that hidden truth to continue to reside within you can have real and profound implications.
The negative self-image such memories from the past can produce, can exert a tremendous weight on you. It erodes your self-esteem and drains your valuable resources as you work overtime to conceal your innermost shames. It affects your attitudes, choices, and your ability to make good decisions. Then, there is always a fear of the truth getting out. How haunted are you by your fear of exposure, afraid that people would not respect you if they knew what you were really thinking about? How much wasted energy do you expend in hiding your darkest secrets?
At the end of the day, your self-perception usually defines your narrative. What kind of confidence are you going to have, and what kind of life are you going to live, if you think your deepest part is ugly? You may fight it, you may regret it, and try to correct it, but your negative self-image will continuously tug at you and drag you down.
Your past is a part of who you are, but don’t allow those old memories or new resurrected fantasies haunt the life you now have in Christ. The things you think about in your heart can determine much about the kind of person you are. So, what ghosts have taken refuge in your heart? What memories need to finally be laid to rest as we enter this new year?
“For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:” Proverbs 23:7
“For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things.” I John 3:20
Dr. Worthington has been in the ministry for over forty-five years and serves as President of Pathway Ministries and Christian Bible College