I had never thought of myself as passive. Throughout my life, at least since I graduated from school, I have always been a driven dreamer and achiever. I thought of myself as the organized one, the proactive one, the disciplined one, the visionary. I was the one who initiated the next steps, important meetings, needed changes, group plans, and challenging conversations.
And then I got married, and marriage revealed sides of myself I had never seen before. A real man does not change much by making vows and putting on a ring, but an awful lot changes for a man that day. The apostle Paul tried to prepare us: “He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.” (I Corinthians 7:32–33). The married me was not as put-together and proactive as the single me had been. And as the pressures rose and the cracks began to show, I suddenly saw how tempted I could be to self-pity and passivity. Even though we had a good marriage, I learned to choose battles—and keep the peace.
Over the first year or two of marriage, the role of learning to be a bit passive went from a foreign and perplexing problem to a profoundly familiar and humbling one. In some ways, vision and initiative were easier when fenced into certain parts of my life. Now, as two became one, all of life required the consideration of a partner. To a stand-on-your-own guy like myself, that wasn’t always easy. Will I give myself up for her good again today (Ephesians 5:25)? Will I keep pursuing, studying, and wooing her? Will I develop and carry out a vision for our family? Will I consistently open the Bible and pray for them? Will I lead our family in loving and serving the church? Will I lean into conflict with patience and love, or will I withdraw? Will I anticipate our family’s needs? Will I discipline our children, even when I’m tired? Will I bring up difficult conversations and make tough decisions? Or, like Adam, when God comes calling, will I hide and point the finger at my wife? God expects a lot from husbands. As my senses have been heightened to my own tendencies to passivity, stories of husbands in Scripture, good and bad, have come alive with greater relevance.
God often trains men to be faithful husbands and fathers by giving us great examples to follow; the faith of Abraham, the conviction of Moses, the leadership of Joshua, the wisdom of Solomon, and the heart of David. Sometimes, however, God trains us for faithfulness by showing us how wicked men can be. He trains us to love by showing us men who failed to love, to lead by showing us men who failed to lead, to fight by showing us men who refused to fight, to die for others by showing us men who saved themselves.
And as husbands and fathers go, few were as corrupt and shameful as King Ahab. When we first meet the man, Scripture tells us, “Ahab the son of Omri reigned over Israel in Samaria twenty and two years. And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the LORD above all that were before him.” (I Kings 16:29–30). The kings before him were a group of evil, murdering, and idolatrous fools. Ahab, we learn, was worst of all.
It is also apparent that his marriage was at the center of his rebellion. “and it came to pass, as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, that he took to wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Zidonians, and went and served Baal, and worshipped him.” (I Kings 16:31). He first mocked God by marrying an idolator, and then, as God warned would happen, he caved and bowed in submission to her and her God. The extent of Ahab’s wickedness is worthy of much study, but here, I want to focus on a scene that exposes the allure and peril of his passivity.
When I Kings 21 opens, Ahab covets the vineyard of his neighbor, Naboth, and asks to buy it from him, disregarding God’s law that prevented the permanent sale of land (Leviticus 25:23). Naboth doesn’t merely refuse because he wants to keep his land; he refuses because to do otherwise would be to disregard God. Now watch how Ahab responds, crumbling into self-pity and passivity:
Ahab went into his house vexed and mad because of what Naboth had said to him, for he had said, “I will not give thee the inheritance of my fathers. And he laid him down upon his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no bread.”(I Kings 21:4)
The most powerful man in the land curled up in a ball, like a spoiled child. He refused to eat. He pouted because he didn’t get his way. As pitiful as the cry-baby king seems, many husbands will know something of the temptation he indulged. Self-pity is strangely seductive and can be equally paralyzing. It can keep a man from confessing his sin, initiating reconciliation, making a difficult decision, or taking the hard next step. As Ahab nurses his hurt feelings, what happens next compounds his shame. See how self-pity imprisons and disables him.
Knowing his wife and what she was capable of, Ahab should have stepped up to stop her, for the good of Naboth and those who loved him, for the good of the kingdom, for the good of his own soul, and for the good of his wife. A passive husband will inevitably enable and encourage the sins of his wife. When Jezebel sees how miserable and pathetic King Ahab is, she takes matters into her own hands. She says to him, “Dost thou now govern the kingdom of Israel? arise, and eat bread, and let thine heart be merry: I will give thee the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite” (I Kings 21:7).Ahab’s sorry silence suggests he was all too glad to accept her offer.
So, Jezebel instructed the leaders in Naboth’s city to kill him. She wrote letters in Ahab’s name, saying, “And set two men, sons of Belial, before him, to bear witness against him, saying, Thou didst blaspheme God and the king. And then carry him out, and stone him, that he may die” (I Kings 21:10). The greed, the deceit, the robbery, the conspiracy, the murdering of a blameless man. These were the weeds of wickedness in full bloom.
Jezebel was so depraved that Jesus uses her as a metaphor for unrestrained wickedness (Revelation 2:20). For now, however, notice how her husband’s passivity kindled her peculiar sins. While he wallowed in self-pity, he encouraged her iniquity. Had he had the conviction and nerve to act as God called him to, he likely could have prevented all that unfolded here. He could have saved a good man’s life.
But he stayed in bed instead. Ahab proves that sometimes a man who does nothing is as harmful as the man who does the wrong thing. A good husband cannot keep his wife from sinning, but he also will not lie on the couch while she does. A bad husband, especially a passive husband, will encourage her to sin even more if it makes her happy and serves his own selfish purpose. In the challenging moments of our marriages, some men will lie down like Ahab, others will rise up like the prophet we meet shortly. Jezebel tells Ahab that Naboth is dead and that his vineyard is now available. “When Ahab heard that Naboth was dead, Ahab rose to go down to the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite, to take possession of it” (I Kings 21:16). Again, the passivity. Not, what have you done? Not, how did he die? No, “as soon as he heard that Naboth was dead,” he suddenly found the strength to leave his bed and enjoy another man’s field.
“And the word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tishbite” (I Kings 21:17). As much as I despise how selfish, passive, and evil Ahab was, I admire all the more the man who stepped up to confront him. While Naboth’s innocent blood ran in the street, the prophet Elijah came knocking at Ahab’s door. Notice he comes to Ahab, not Jezebel, with a word from the Lord: “thou hast sold thyself to work evil in the sight of the LORD” (I Kings 21:20).
They had just killed a man for refusing to sell them a vineyard. Imagine what evil they might do to a man who confronted them with their sin. While other men watched and stayed silent, one refused the pull of passivity and embraced the costs of obedience. He would rather die than sit and watch God’s law be vandalized. Don’t miss what God says next through Elijah. Ahab’s passivity would come back not just on his own head, but on the heads of all he loved — his sons, their sons, his wife: “Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, …for the provocation wherewith thou hast provoked me to anger, and made Israel to sin. And of Jezebel also spake the LORD, saying, The dogs shall eat Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel” (I Kings 21:21–23).
Ahab’s judgment is a vivid, bloody picture of how unchecked sin ruins a home. When a husband grows passive, the whole family suffers; perhaps not in judgment like Jezebel, but they will suffer nonetheless. The story circles back to where it began with Ahab: “But there was none like unto Ahab, which did sell himself to work wickedness in the sight of the LORD, whom Jezebel his wife stirred up” (I Kings 21:25). This story gives us a masterclass in marital failure. The next verse, however, is one of the more surprising verses in Scripture:
“And it came to pass, when Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes, and put sackcloth upon his flesh, and fasted, and lay in sackcloth, and went softly.” (I Kings 21:27)
One might think this is the man we found lying in bed, feeling sorry for himself, refusing to eat. However, in God’s eyes this is not the same man. Instead of lashing out in fury at the prophet, instead of retreating into more self-pity and passivity, Ahab humbles himself in repentance. He does the hard thing. He sees his sin, hates his sin, and seeks the Lord’s mercy.
“And it came to pass, when Ahab heard those words, that he rent his clothes, put sackcloth upon his flesh, and fasted. And the word of the LORD came to Elijah the Tishbite, saying, Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me? Because he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his days: but in his son’s days will I bring the evil upon his house” (I Kings 21:27–29). Consequences remained, but something of his sin had died. The selfish, prideful, passive husband became humble, at least for a time, giving hope to all selfish, prideful, passive husbands.
It’s easy to hate the passivity of Ahab. He was a king who stubbornly disregards God’s calls to lead and who selfishly sets God’s will below his own desires. It’s harder, however, to hate the passivity in ourselves. Will we, as husbands in Christ, practice leadership even when it’s inconvenient to lead? Will we receive the mercy of God, humble ourselves before Him, lay down our pride and self-pity, and resist the enticing pull of passivity?
The last thing wimpy men want to face is the fact that they are wimpy. But, many men have shed their manliness and turned themselves into a wimp, a softie. Men often convince themselves that women want a passive man who helps, gives, and accommodates. They believe life will be better for everyone if they always let the woman have her way. That may be true for some. But I think real ladies respect a man who takes charge, and will never give up until all the dragons are slain. His wife feels loved, cherished, and protected by his side.
While men have gotten softer, women have gotten tougher, and it seems that neither understands the toll this has taken on their relationship. Regarding manhood, at one end of the spectrum, there is a wimp, and on the other end is the dominating creep. Tragicially, too many choose to be the wimp, thinking it is the right thing to do. However, the Bible demands that a man be strong and action-oriented. He should be a take-charge and passionate leader. However, he must also be loving, gentle, considerate, and kind. The other option is to suffer the peril of a passive man.
Dr. Worthington has been in the ministry nearly fifty years and serves as President of Pathway Ministries and Christian Bible College.