“Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
Some time back, the Encyclopedia Britannica announced that after 244 years of publishing, they were now ceasing the printing of books. From now on digital editions are all that will be available. Indeed, the times are changing, and since I won’t live long enough to get used to all this, I am beginning to wonder if there is any reason to bother trying.
One of the big changes I see today is children who seem to be unable or unwilling to grow up. I am reminded of Peter Pan. J. M. Barrie created this mischievous young boy who could fly, but could never grow up. Peter Pan would spend his never-ending childhood having adventures on the island of Neverland. This was a fairy tale, but today it has become a reality.
It is ironic the same society that expects little kids to adapt to a structured classroom by the time they are three, expects so little from teenagers. We seem to over-protect and insulate our teens from every possible learning experience. Of course, do we really know what is dangerous? Should you let your child ride a bike to school, or strap her into a car for the trip? Is one really safer than the other? Which child is more at risk, the sedentary one who sets back eating chips, playing video games and getting fat, or the one riding a bike without a helmet?
Although we all know of glowing exceptions, by and large most kids simply don’t grow up until their hair starts to grey. Adolescence, which used to indicate a child under sixteen, has been redefined to extend well into the 20s and 30s. Real maturity seems to be coming later and later, if it comes at all. Modern culture says it is wrong to expect a teenager to grow up, accept responsibility, and start being an asset rather than a liability. People used to have large families because children were an asset. Today, we feel we can’t handle but two or three because children are a liability, and all too often they may be a permanent liability. In 2011, almost a fifth of males between 25 and 34 still lived with their parents. Well over half of those were non-financial contributors to the home. The average age of video game players has now risen to 30 years old. The number of men in their early 40s who have never married has risen fourfold.
Now, let me ask you, would you expect anyone to be good at their calling if they only learned from textbooks and never actually obtained any practical experience? Is that the kind of doctor you would like to have? What if they never had to answer for their mistakes in the real world? Would this be a real learning experience for the medical student? Would the work lose its meaning and relevance if we were always disengaged from the real world? Yet, this is how we build teenagers today. We have insulated them from work, responsibilities, and consequences. We have delayed their development and have made it almost impossible for them to grow up.
There was a time when most kids had a job. They worked on the farm, delivered papers, or established a business mowing lawns. Many worked full time in the summer and continued to work part time during the school year. At the same time many college students had to work to pay their tuition. But, several decades back we decided that teens ought to concentrate on academics, not labor. Learning was to take place from books alone and not augmented by real life experience. Thus we made education or sports the only way they could meaningfully demonstrate their competencies. No wonder they have difficulty establishing a sense of their own individuality. When I was in college, the university acted as somewhat of a parental figure, particularly regarding sex, alcohol, and accepting responsibility. Modern institutions have apparently decided that students are mature enough to make up their own minds. Yet, at the same time, they assume the students are not mature enough to handle discomforting speech, which must be regulated and confined to “free speech zones.” Apparently, college kids raised by modern parents are strong enough to handle alcohol and pre-marital sex, but are so brittle they will break if confronted with ideas they don’t like.
Many kids of past generations learned about the real world through their work. From a young age they could learn the problems of the real world from their employers. They had responsibilities. Most teenagers don’t work today, and many that are employed, do not work in an adult world with adult expectations. Employers have found it necessary to create a modified workplace for the few teens who do work. The workplaces are designed so young people can function well even if they are spaced-out, bored, and not really interested in assuming real responsibility or accomplishing anything. These jobs are catered to adapt to the sorry employee. You end up learning you can get through your shift by utilizing only a fraction of your untapped abilities.
You might assume that even if they are not mastering the principles of work, at least they are learning about finances; no not really. Parents may be at home contemplating how they are going to make the mortgage payment, but usually the kids are spending their money on electronic gadgets or downloading some new tunes. In reality, they don’t have any of the responsibilities they’re going to have as adults. The day of young people contributing to the family, buying their own school clothes, and paying their own way to college is over.
And yet we wonder why it’s taking so long for them to mature. Some say it is because their brains have not fully developed and their hormones are out of control. Parents like to hear this because it gets them off the hook; it’s biological, not our fault. But, I suspect modern parenting styles may be contributing to their brains being this way. Parents of my day knew how to adjust your brains and hormones at the same time. Usually, this was accomplished in the woodshed, rather than the psychiatrist office. You see, without painful real-life experiences, young people will never learn to recognize real consequences and real rewards. It may surprise you, but I believe kids need stress and challenges. I am not speaking of over-whelming pressure, but just enough so they learn the consequences of taking risks. If we don’t give teens enough ways to take productive risks, they will default into taking foolish, unproductive, and dangerous risks. They are natural thrill seekers, and they will find that thrill somewhere. I recently read that the average college senior is in touch with their parents more than 13 times a week. You might think that is a wonderful display of their deep love and desire to stay in touch. Actually, it was usually because they needed help. They needed money, or help completing their college work, or they needed Mom and Dad to remind them to wear a coat if it’s cold or to check the oil in their cars. Good grief!
“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Proverbs 22:6
Let’s take another look at this verse. It appears to say if you train a child to go down the right path, when he is older, even if he strays, like a fish returning to the place of his birth, he will naturally default back to the original path. The trouble with this classic interpretation is that it doesn’t always work. Some young people don’t rebel; others do indeed rebel and return to the straight and narrow, but some rebel and choose to never return. Since the Bible is the infallible Word of God, there must be something wrong with our interpretation. A better understanding begins with an appreciation of the Hebrew language.
Let’s first consider the words “train up.” The Hebrew word chanak means “to dedicate, consecrate, clearly define, to throttle, or to narrow.” It’s used only four times in the Old Testament, three times in reference to dedicating a completed building and only once of a child. So, to train up means to clearly define the narrow pathway to be taken and then dedicate, encourage, govern and consecrate yourself into accomplishing that mission. You see how this would relate to a building or a child? A similar term relates to the training of a horse. This image pictures a horse’s bridle, which subdues the horse for the purpose of directing its natural energies without breaking its spirit. Horses want to run because God gave them the desire to do so. A wise, caring rider uses the bit and the reins to help the horse achieve its purpose safely and effectively.
“Training up” calls for a relationship in which parent and child dedicate themselves to a shared purpose. The parent finds ways to encourage behavior that works for the family while satisfying the child’s unique needs. It involves guiding, throttling, defining, and training the wild spirit in order to give it purpose and direction. The wise parent using inspiration instead of coercion, discovers the child’s unique abilities and then encourages the behavior necessary for proper development.
Next, let’s look at the word “child.” This word generally refers to an adolescent. It might be considered to be a young teenager or youth. Though it can refer to a younger child, the most common object of the term is a young man. The verse is focused on how parents are to raise their adolescent children. This is a youth group verse, not a nursery verse! Although there are numerous verses dealing with how to discipline and teach the very young child, this verse is talking about a specific form of training not designed for a very young child. In other words, the implication is that the child must be old enough to comprehend the training. The building must be completed to a point where it is ready for dedication.
Next, let’s look at the term “in the way he should go.” The Hebrew is quite simply “in accordance with the proper way.” First, we must accept the true nature of man. Modern psychology teaches us that man is born good. However, the Bible teaches we are born with a sin nature. Without a relationship with Jesus Christ, child rearing can be nothing more than child management or behavior modification. This is all the world has to offer because it starts from the wrong premise. This leads to a multitude of false conclusions. This is evidenced by a world that is full of children who never learned their boundaries, who refused to respect and obey their parents, and who have gone and done as they pleased. They weren’t trained to be responsible, so there is no reason to expect them to live responsible and godly as adults.
As parents establish boundaries, it communicates care, concern, and love. Those who don’t take the time to discipline shouldn’t be surprised when their children grow into rebellious, irresponsible, uncontrollable teenagers. Discipline is not one-size-fits-all, rather it requires us to study our children and learn how they respond and what motivates them. Discipline is never fun for either the parent or the child, but, rendered properly, can lead to a level of understanding and maturity that rarely can be accomplished in other ways.
“Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.”
Hebrews 12:11
Now, we understand the deeper meaning of the ancient Proverb. It simply means to train them for life. People obviously have differing gifts, talents, and callings. For example, if you are a member of the royal family you receive special training. A race horse or a seeing-eye dog receives special training. This is what our kids need. But, you say I don’t know if my child is going to be a scientist or a garbage collector. But, it doesn’t really matter. We train our children in the way to live their life; for any way in which he is to spend his life. Regardless of the occupation he may later follow, it is necessary to prepare him for it in his early years because that is when habits formed which will greatly influence his manhood.
Now, let’s put it all together: You make a child do what he ought to do–so, he can become what he ought to be–so, by default, he will learn to choose to do what he ought to do. We make children obey because it is a command of God, it is for their safety and benefit, it is for the benefit of society, and it is a picture of God and His children. We train our children to expose, strengthen, and encourage their personal needs and created purpose. I was taught to obey. I was also taught the consequences of crossing the boundaries. But, I was also trained in certain disciplines that I still retain to this day. I even held on to most of them before I became a Christian. For example, the concept of hard work, being dependable, keeping your word, being on time, being respectful to ladies, being respectful to elders, and obeying the law. I was taught to do what I ought to do–so, I could become the man I ought to be–so, by default, I would learn to choose to do what I ought to do.
Again, I gladly acknowledge the exceptions, but many young people today are not what they ought to be. Many have no sense of character. Many are not what they ought to be because they have never been taught to do what they ought to do. At school we shouldn’t have to spend a lot of time teaching them it is wrong to cheat, steal, lie, or do less than their best. We shouldn’t have to teach them how to dress or to be respectful to adults. We should be able to train them to be what they ought to be, but we can’t because many parents have not taught them to do what they ought to do. Many children seem to have never heard the word “no”! Again, the concept: You make a child do what he ought to do-so, he can become what he ought to be-so, by default, as he grows up he will learn to choose to do what he ought to do. This is one of the reasons we have so many rules and regulations today. We have to constantly be told what to do because we have never learned to be what we ought to be.
“When he is old, he will not depart” is a warning, not a promise. This is not a promise to parents who raise their children properly that God will negate the child’s free will and make them do right. It is a warning to parents who allow their adolescents to grow up without guidance, who raise them to go their own way. When you let a child do what he wants most likely he will grow up to be a self-willed adult incapable of change. This verse is meant to be a warning about the bad results of permissive parenting, of failing to set boundaries and giving guidance to adolescents. It is a warning to parents as their children enter the adolescent years, not to let them go their own way and do their own thing. We are not only born sinful, we were also born foolish. We have the tendency to make the wrong choices. This is one of the reasons so many young adults make so many foolish decisions. They were never trained, instructed, and disciplined by their parents to walk in the ways of God.
I remember once reading of a mother of three, rowdy, preschoolers being asked if she would still have three children if she had it to do over again. She immediately answered, “Sure . . . just not these three.” Though at times you may wish you could trade in your child for a model with less maintenance, the reality is that your child is a unique gift from God. In His sovereign wisdom, God has entrusted you with the life of another person, one that is usually a lot like yourself. However, with the blessing of children comes the high and heavy responsibility of being a parent. It is not for the squeamish, the selfish, or the foolish. Parenting is the task of a lifetime, and it carries with it great risks, but also eternal rewards. Christian parents do not simply raise their children; they try to raise them right.
One of the things causing our civilization to unravel is the ever increasing population of untrained children. This trend is growing because many untrained children from few years back are now parents themselves and are cultivating the same parenting styles applied to them; and the dominos continue to fall.
Now, let’s put it all together one more time: You make a child do what he ought to do–so, he can become what he ought to be–so, by default, he will learn to choose to do what he ought to do.
Dr. Worthington has been in the ministry forty years and serves as President of Pathway Ministries.